Please don’t judge … I’ve got a bit of a problem. I can’t quite be sure when it began. Or, if I remember a time when I didn’t have it. Or, if I can pinpoint when I got it. Either way, I’ve had it for awhile. It seems I’m not good at committing. The third book I wrote somehow mirrors a girl of this nature. I wondered why that thing was so easy to write!
Anyway, back to my teency, weency affliction. I overheard my “boyfriend” telling our oldest that he got used to me telling him that although I loved him very much, it didn’t mean we’d be together forever. (And that was after we’d gotten married.) Hearing him tell this and seeing the reaction of my son was a little sad. Not shocking, I admit. I live with myself, I know myself inside and out. I’ve come to know I have this problem. But, still it can be unsettling for people who don’t know that it’s not really that serious of an issue.
Of course I’m still with the guy! It’ll be twenty years this year that I took the plunge, and I’m happy to say, the older I get the more stable I become. I just have to carry and wave the flag of uncertainty all the time. I’ve tried to figure out why I’m like this. Maybe it traces back to my parents getting divorced when I was at a very tender age. Perhaps I saw then that nothing in life is as ironclad as it appears to be.
Then again, I have a problem cutting off price tags from my clothing, too. Does it mean I have to keep them for real? Nine times out of ten I do anyway. The other one percent is when the thing actually doesn’t fit. But, why can’t I cut them off? I suppose I like knowing there is an out. I CAN take it back if I really wanted to. Nothing has control over me. Hmmm…. My boyfriend has stopped shopping with me. I have a tendency to load up the cart with things I want, take a few rounds of the store with them and then go put them all away! Well, not all of them. I buy a few and tell myself I can return them later. 🙂
It was funny when I was expecting my first child. I kept thinking that there was no way to return “it”. It was inside me and there was only one way of him coming out. It all really freaked me out. Then when it came time to have him, I was like “and then we’ll take him home and he’ll live with me, I mean us, forever????” Wow! Mind blowing to a person with commitment issues. Still, I had four more of them and I’m rather used to the idea that they will remain with me until it’s their time to fly the coop.
Houses are another thing. It seems I’m never committed to a house. As much as I want to get all nestled in to the same place, see growth charts marked on closet walls, and have stories to tell future grandchildren who visit about what tree the dog is buried under … I can’t seem to settle into the same house. Or the same state we’ve always lived in, for that matter! I want to go and explore other places, experience other people. But, now I have little people that must go and like the idea, too. Not so easy. I guess they don’t have the same issue of settling down like me. Which is a good thing, right?
I sometimes watch the movie “Along Came Polly” just to laugh about the affliction that I hope I’m not the only one who belongs to its club. It’s nice knowing there are others out there like me.
