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Leave me alone, Godiva!

godivaAlways taunting me. Sitting on my dresser, seducing me in that red box. Knowing very well I won’t rest until I know what flavor is in the white square, drizzled in chocolate. Is it caramel, cherry, or maybe more chocolate? All I do know is that I’m trying to lose weight. Seems I’ve put on a few extra winter pounds, and with all this hot weather we’ve been having, less-bulky shirts are saying I need to do something now about it. Or that muffin top is going to blow!!

8ac0050c766d06e4d776ce2baef477cc18803f9313c36d5bdd1f1775c7f4e612I hate water. Well known fact since I was a small child and always offered it at the dinner table. Which explains why I can live on less than 8 ounces of liquid a day. I simply refused to drink when I was little. They could have that water. I saw how it freely poured from the sink. Who doesn’t give away the crappy tasting junk? You don’t see soft drinks pouring out of taps, do you? No, because that has flavor. Anyway, I’ve consumed water this week. It wasn’t pretty. I boasted to my better half that I drank a trial sized one with lunch. He wasn’t impressed. So the next day, instead of popping the top to a Coke, I drank a 16 ounce water. It wasn’t pretty, either. I held my breath for pretty much the entire time, imagining myself in a desert where I was begging to drink anything. The next day I fell off the water wagon. I’ll try again later.

the-package-1f-366x366So I did a photo shoot today. Another thing that ranks high on my ‘most hate to do’ list. (I’m trying to curb my complaints, as well as my soda intake.) I don’t like it because number one, I feel extremely fake, and two, I don’t like to see myself in pictures. My nose looks big, my eyes look bigger, and then there’s the muffin top. Which, by the way, it was only headshots, but I could see extra weight in my cheeks. Is that possible?

The warm weather is blowing away tonight. The noise of the wind is pushing against all the windows, making it feel much colder than it actually is. Tomorrow the jackets will probably be sent away, and the coats brought out again. I’ve still got allergies making my eyes itch until they bleed. I had to go out and get Visine this morning. I’ve used my allotted amount already, and I still want to dig them like dirt.

I’m working on revisions tonight. Pretty safe to say I’ll change everything I wrote only days ago. Moods do that to you. Anyway, I hope everyone has a great rest of the weekend. I’ll try and stay warm and not blow away! 🙂

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Hurtful, Nasty Reminders

reminderReminders are usually for our benefit, right? Like when your gas light comes on it means, get gas. For me, it signals I’ve got 100 more miles to go. I am famous for pushing it to the last fume to get me to the pumps. One day I will regret passing the ten stations to find the one with five cents cheaper per gallon. (I know, it isn’t that much, but still). Or the reminder that your car insurance is getting taken out automatically from your account tomorrow. Which signals me to go by the bank and put it in! But there are a few reminders that one does not need. i.e….

Yesterday I received a card in the mail from the veterinarian. It had a heartfelt note in it of condolences for my dog that passed away a couple weeks ago. Yes, I was finally getting to the point where I didn’t break down once a day. Like when I go and look for his bed, or check outside to see if he’s lying in the sun. It’s finally becoming bearable. Not forgettable, by any stretch, but doable. And then the card. Which I opened while driving the kids up the driveway. And there it was…they sent Walter’s paw print along with the written sentiment. OMG. Why? Why now? I shoved it back in the envelope and took a deep breath. I’m still thinking about it.

Here’s another example of a hurtful reminder: When the lovely people behind Facebook send you a memory of your cheating husband as he kisses you on the cheek. Ah yes, that was just six months ago…before my friend’s rat turd husband cheated on her. And there she gets a reminder of better times. Or when you get a snap shot of your family member who passed away, and you’re not quite over that one, either.

Reminders….not always a good thing. 😩

On a happy note, because I need to always leave on one…I’m back to writing my new book. I’m feeling pretty good about it, too. Who wouldn’t like to imagine Kevin Costner all day? And be able to have him say the sweetest things to your heroine…which you imagine is yourself? LOL!! I’m down with it! 🙂

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Homesick in Autumn

homesickI’m getting ready to watch the final presidential debate and wanted to squeeze in a post. A slight tangent if I may?…Is this the complete best we could find in America to lead our country? Tangent complete. Now on to my post. Thank you for indulging.

I might have blogged about this before. If so, my apologies. It’s just that it’s the first thing that overwhelms me when the cooler weather sweeps in, and the change of leaves begin to occur. I get homesick. But for what? I try to identify my surge of displacement….my longing to be somewhere else, in a different time. I’ve come to feel that summer is so busy with plans and hot weather, I have no time to reflect. Then as things begin to wrap up…as I begin to clear the flowerbeds of tired blooms, and hear the last obscenities of the crickets that refuse to give up and burrow down…my mind is free to wander. And it always seems to wander to the past. To times of joy. Which ultimately makes me feel an aching sorrow for something so out of reach. When people that no longer grace this earth was around me. When times were simpler, and the only problem I knew was running out of daylight before I finished playing. This is what I’m homesick for. For something which has no cure. For a time that will never again exist. And as I continue to live day by day, new memories are manufactured for future autumns of being homesick.

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To Keep, or Not to Keep

hoarde.1Today is a lazy Sunday. You would think I would take this time to write. I did stay in bed an extra hour, plotting about Amy. But no. I did not write. Perhaps I’ll blog about that issue at a later time.

Today I began sorting through some things. Pictures, clothing, and toys to name a few. Toys that are keepsakes include Woody, Buzz Lightyear, and Jesse. And don’t get me started on doll babies. My daughter never took to them, or as she calls them, “creepy things that their eyes follow you around the room.” That’s okay; I can keep them. And so comes the question of hoarding memories. Perfectly cute dolls will not get tossed out. Case closed on that one. Someone could play with them. It could happen.

As for the mounds of picture frames. Yeah, I remember every time my baby turned a different month, off to the photographer I’d go. And home with 20 pictures to frame, I came. Oh, did I mention every time someone close in the family gave me picture, I’d buy an 8 x 10 frame and up that would go, too? Ahh…I have so many enormous frames, it’s ridiculous. Of course, after the third child, you kind of stopped going to the photographer. I was lucky if I took out my own camera more than three times a year. My fifth child just goes through the pictures only hoping to see himself in one of them. Poor guy. So I solved the picture hoarding with stripping the frames and putting the pictures in an album. Or at least I will when I get some at the store. Note to self: pick up at least ten albums. Large ones.

Now for the clothing. I know what you’re thinking: clothing? Don’t you remember precious little outfits you’d dress your child in and want to keep it forever? So I was putting my memory pile together and it began getting really large. As in, “Honey, we need another 3 x-large totes at the store when you pick up the ten albums.”

No, I know they’ll never wear these items again. But I can remember when they did. And do I want another child bustling about in these archives? Granted, some are out of style, but some are classic. Like my little boy’s (okay, so he’s 18 years old) jacket from the “Cars” movie. He wore that everywhere. And a little red robe that my other boy wore (all right, so he’s 16). You never caught him without that thing on. It was like he was a little Hugh Hefner in that thing. Always. Had. It. On.

Where do I stop keeping things? I feel ashamed for tying these items of clothing up for no one else to ever wear. But really… I just need to know they’re there…in the stacked totes should I ever want to recall the memories. Should they ever get married, settle down, and ask where that little pink dress with the daisy on the front is. Am I a hoarder? Does anyone else do this? Feel free to chime in. No, really…. 🙂

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Teleporting through Music

Wilson_Phillips_BMG-1

It was last weekend when my “boyfriend” and I had the house to ourselves. My mother-in-law was up for an overnight visit with the kids. When this very rare event happens he puts a movie into the kitchen television that we would normally not be able to watch. His go-to is always “Bridesmaids.” It makes him belly laugh during the scene when they’re on the plane and the Kristin Wiig is drunk. Anyway, I digress. In the end they feature Wilson-Phillips singing. I mentally note that I’ll search it later on Spotify and catch up with some old tunes.

One day while I’m home making dinner, before anyone else gets there, I turn on the ol’iphone and blare the trio in my Bose speakers. Let’s just say that my body might’ve been in my kitchen, but my mind was crossing the Maryland bridge, tucked under the steering wheel of my Celica, crying my eyes out after just seeing my ex-boyfriend. We had met up for lunch that day and got caught up with each other’s lives. He’d been away at college.

With each song, “Release Me” … “You’re in Love” … I was there in that moment. I was singing like I could’ve taken over for lead vocal in their next concert. If only I could remember why I go into rooms sometimes I’d be happy! Anyway, it was all right there. The emotions, just like it was an hour ago. The lyrics stabbing my heart like sharp needles, rattling emotions. I belted out the entire album (my toy Yorkie starring at me with a look of whether to run or stay) and then placed it back into the corners of my mind…in my heart. Music has that sort of effect on me.

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File it Under Memories

MEMORIESI read something on Facebook yesterday from one of my childhood friends that wished he could go back and live in the days when he was young. I suppose the memories of this time appealed to him; made him long for the simpler times. Problem is, we all learn in reverse. When we’re young, we don’t realize how good we’ve got it. We always want to grow up. Ha! Sure, there are perks, but if only we could savor the younger moments; times when we got called for dinner, showed up and ate and then scampered off to hours of play before bed. And we could actually sleep without any problems going through our minds. Okay, maybe we were concocting silly problems, like what if I have to go grocery shopping with Mom, or even bigger, why do I have to get a hair cut Saturday? Let’s face it, who wouldn’t want to visit those times?

Isn’t it nice that we can think back on wonderful memories? Times that make us smile while staring out to space. Images that appear faded in our mind, sometimes sketchy at best, but, they’re all there. It amazes me that our brain stores these moments. Today I have the privilege to write a bit before going to work. I’ve turned on Northern Exposure for background noise, and instantly I’m at ease. Comfortable with my surroundings. You see, after I graduated from school I’d watch this show every day before lunch. It was such an easy time for me. I was going part-time to college and working as a nanny. Life was sweet. The biggest obligation I had was to change a diaper, feed a baby, and do a term paper. The world was happy, or so I believed because I was.

It’s great being able to surround ourselves with memories. My best friend sometimes sits and closes her eyes with a huge smile on her face. I ask, where are you? She sighs and tells me. Sometimes it’s Florida on a beach, sometimes it’s on her trampoline outside her childhood house. She finds peace with these memories. Today I find peace with Northern Exposure at 11:00!